Ad Porn

There's a reason why advertising seems to go hand in hand with the oldest profession in the world. Are brands getting screwed or getting off in the process? Here are a few interesting parallels.

The Moneyshot
Nothing gets your consumers screaming for your product better than this. For the housewife, this involves pulling out a dazzling sparkling white shirt out of a bucket. Just change costume replace bucket  with washing machine and repeat next year.

The Fluffer
What do you do when your brand can't get it up on its own? Bring in a star! For a crore or two, the star will dribble your product all over her lips, gyrate to your jingle and exclaim orgasmically over it. This is sure to keep your sales figures at their perkiest best, and will also pay for her next trip to the cosmetic surgeon too.

The Pornstar
This the kind of ad where the mom makes dosas for the kid, idlies for the granddad and vadas for the dad in a matter of minutes and still manages to look like she's stepped out of a beauty parlour.  This is the equivalent of porn flick where the female pornstar has a penis up every crevice available and actually looks like she's enjoying it.

The Slut
This is a version of the above, only worse. It's always amazing how much an ad manages to cram into a 15-second slot. Concept, product demo, product shot, logo panel, call to action, and 150-word disclaimer. Any familiar porn sequence parallel come to mind people?

The Japanese 

If you have no strategy, no creative thought and even no relevant message, you could do a Japanese. These ads are right up there with bizarre Japanese porn involving Hello Kitty.  It's the kind of ad that makes you go 'Hein????'.

The Bareback
Then there are some brands that throw caution into the winds, get lost in the moment, play ad roulette and refuse to use protection. Sign up a celebrity on the verge of conviction? why not! And then make a quick hasty withdrawal if things get bad. But of course we all know the success rate of the withdrawal method.

The 6 rules of tele-marketing

Apparently, every customer service exec in this country lives by these rules:

1. Customers love choice

Dial 1 for Hindi, 2 for English, 3 for Tamil, 4 for Swahili, and 5 for Morse code. Nothing satisfies a customer than having to hear a long list of options only to find out that the option they want isn’t on the menu. 

2. Maximise on-hold time
Customers love being put on hold. And while they're there, Kenny G on infinite loop will have a calming influence. And there's something better too! Why not maximise your  campaign reach and play your radio spots to them through the 20-odd minutes they're on hold. What an idea I say!

3. The customer’s name is not important
When you ask for the customer’s name, make sure you write it down. Then dispose of the surname and get down to first name basis. Add a Mr.  to the first name for good measure. Now, remove the third letter and replace it with K. Swap around at least two of the vowels, and add a T or F in the middle. If  you did not attend high school, feel free to play around with the letters until you come up with something that is 2% similar to the customer’s name.

4. Always ask for something you know the customer won’t have
A great technique for quickly disposing of a caller is to ask them for information that they will never possess, such as their complete 20 digit account number, their white blood cell count, or the colour of their undies three Wednesdays ago. If by some miracle a customer is able to provide you with all the necessary information, replace one of the digits and alert the customer that the information they’re providing is incorrect.

5. Never underestimate the joys of outsourcing
Yes, there's a great way to show profits and renew that golf club membership. Outsourcing your tele-marketing requirements is the way to go. And if one vendor doesn't work out, here are a dozen other who will. For half the price. What joy!

6. Offer to be helpful at all times
Even if you haven’t solved the customer’s problem, thank them for calling you and ask if there is anything else you can help with. When customers hear this, they will feel appreciated and will certainly call again to report a problem.