Ad Porn

There's a reason why advertising seems to go hand in hand with the oldest profession in the world. Are brands getting screwed or getting off in the process? Here are a few interesting parallels.

The Moneyshot
Nothing gets your consumers screaming for your product better than this. For the housewife, this involves pulling out a dazzling sparkling white shirt out of a bucket. Just change costume replace bucket  with washing machine and repeat next year.

The Fluffer
What do you do when your brand can't get it up on its own? Bring in a star! For a crore or two, the star will dribble your product all over her lips, gyrate to your jingle and exclaim orgasmically over it. This is sure to keep your sales figures at their perkiest best, and will also pay for her next trip to the cosmetic surgeon too.

The Pornstar
This the kind of ad where the mom makes dosas for the kid, idlies for the granddad and vadas for the dad in a matter of minutes and still manages to look like she's stepped out of a beauty parlour.  This is the equivalent of porn flick where the female pornstar has a penis up every crevice available and actually looks like she's enjoying it.

The Slut
This is a version of the above, only worse. It's always amazing how much an ad manages to cram into a 15-second slot. Concept, product demo, product shot, logo panel, call to action, and 150-word disclaimer. Any familiar porn sequence parallel come to mind people?

The Japanese 

If you have no strategy, no creative thought and even no relevant message, you could do a Japanese. These ads are right up there with bizarre Japanese porn involving Hello Kitty.  It's the kind of ad that makes you go 'Hein????'.

The Bareback
Then there are some brands that throw caution into the winds, get lost in the moment, play ad roulette and refuse to use protection. Sign up a celebrity on the verge of conviction? why not! And then make a quick hasty withdrawal if things get bad. But of course we all know the success rate of the withdrawal method.

The 6 rules of tele-marketing

Apparently, every customer service exec in this country lives by these rules:

1. Customers love choice

Dial 1 for Hindi, 2 for English, 3 for Tamil, 4 for Swahili, and 5 for Morse code. Nothing satisfies a customer than having to hear a long list of options only to find out that the option they want isn’t on the menu. 

2. Maximise on-hold time
Customers love being put on hold. And while they're there, Kenny G on infinite loop will have a calming influence. And there's something better too! Why not maximise your  campaign reach and play your radio spots to them through the 20-odd minutes they're on hold. What an idea I say!

3. The customer’s name is not important
When you ask for the customer’s name, make sure you write it down. Then dispose of the surname and get down to first name basis. Add a Mr.  to the first name for good measure. Now, remove the third letter and replace it with K. Swap around at least two of the vowels, and add a T or F in the middle. If  you did not attend high school, feel free to play around with the letters until you come up with something that is 2% similar to the customer’s name.

4. Always ask for something you know the customer won’t have
A great technique for quickly disposing of a caller is to ask them for information that they will never possess, such as their complete 20 digit account number, their white blood cell count, or the colour of their undies three Wednesdays ago. If by some miracle a customer is able to provide you with all the necessary information, replace one of the digits and alert the customer that the information they’re providing is incorrect.

5. Never underestimate the joys of outsourcing
Yes, there's a great way to show profits and renew that golf club membership. Outsourcing your tele-marketing requirements is the way to go. And if one vendor doesn't work out, here are a dozen other who will. For half the price. What joy!

6. Offer to be helpful at all times
Even if you haven’t solved the customer’s problem, thank them for calling you and ask if there is anything else you can help with. When customers hear this, they will feel appreciated and will certainly call again to report a problem.

Client Kamasutra

A few boardroom positions we're all too familiar with

The Client on Top

This is one position that is sure to send your client over the edge because he controls both the depth of penetration and the intensity of stimulation. The focus here is on getting the client off; possibly not the best position for you.

The Tight Squeeze

With your media budget clenched and your creatives crossed, you can feel the entire length of your client and grip it tight, creating loads of friction as he thrusts deep. With the agency rocking precariously, have the client reach under you and play with your strategy, or eat into your production budget. Mega-sensations guaranteed.

The 360

With a little bit of practice and a certain degree of flexibility you could pull off this position with amazing results. While you have your hands on his ATL, you could bend over to handle his BTL as well. This angle allows for super-intense deep penetration.  Bonus tip: With a little extra flexibility and reach, you can also pleasure him digitally, sending him over the edge.

The Toy Boy
If your boardroom routine is a tad stale, it might help to liven things up with a little toy. Best sourced from the South of France, or New York or London, these shiny metallic toys are built for pleasure. There's the deep reaching pencil-shaped pleasurer or the specially contoured Lion shaped pleasure enhancer that's sure to guarantee synchronised multiple orgasms in the boardroom.

The Headstart

A great amount of satisfaction has been had by the client in this position. Orgasms they say happen between the ears after all, and sometimes the only way to get ahead is to give head. Start by gently massaging his ego, while you simultaneously apply lips to his derriere. With the right amount tongue work and excellent gagging reflex, you will have him coming all over your double spread.

Some things just don't fly

Dear airline,
Thanks for making us all walk through first and business class in order to reach our shitty economy seat. Not!

Dear airport security,
I thoroughly enjoyed the intrusive frisking. More time on the nipples next time.

Dear person at check-in desk,
I know you'll now charge for meals, seat selection and luggage. Now, how much for a smile?

Dear baggage handlers,
Thanks for marking my bag fragile, then flinging it across the conveyor belt.

Dear passengers,
They're not playing the national anthem. There's no need for a synchronised standing up on touchdown.

Dear lecherous co-passenger,
Put your eyes back into their sockets. That hostess is as old as your granddaughter.

Dear airline,
Could you serve something other than cardboard tikka and palak cardboard?

Dear passenger in front who loves to recline,
If you push back any further you just might feel my crotch.

Dear flight caterer,
Probably not the best idea to serve egg sandwiches at 35,000 feet.

Dear trolley dolly,
You say wig, I say dead raven pinned to the head.

Haldirams and Bikanervala packs tell you how to deflower a virgin

Of all the intentionally hilarious advertising messaging we are served with on a daily basis, this one takes the cake. Or probably the namkeen.

This pack opening instruction sounds like a line out of Joy of Sex.

 
It also doesn't help when the top view of the back looks like this:

This knife Fuxwell. That file is a bastard!

Speaking of hilarious German brands, Fuxwell knives were an integral part of every household for as long as I can remember. There was simply no competition in the category, and the cheap, durable, and German-made knives made easy work of slicing in the kitchen.

Of course, it was the closest, my Catholic mom came to uttering an expletive. And the sales guys at Currimbhoys in Chennai never batted an eyelid while being asked for one. Whether it was ignorance or just routine that made them straight faced while shouting out the brand out across the store, I'll never know.

Of course, when cousins came over, we'd huddle over the knife and giggle at the brand name which was printed discretely on the blade.

That, and the flat bastard file caused a giggly huddle of cousins.

.

The bastard file, I discovered later, wasn't really a brand, but rather a kind of file whose teeth configuration was in between a rough and coarse.

On a recent shopping spree for knives, I kept an eye out for a Fuxwell knife, only to discover that it is now called Fixwell in an apparent whitewashing attempt The corporate website of course has no record of its history and no mention of Fuxwell. Sigh!

What wouldn't I give to see this brand launched in India!

Polishing your wood? I have just the product for you.

This German company has a series of products which it manufactures under the brand Lundmark. The most famous being the wood polishing wax which it strangely describes as 'Lubricating Compound'.

Another product on offer is Lundmark Anti-microbial Hand Soap. I'd kill to do an ad starring any of our leading Bollywood ladies in a bathtub saying, Isko laga daala toh life jhingalala.